i've got a sneaking suspicion that this feels like revenge.

here is what happens when i get my weekly flat tire (remember? how when i started dating The Girl™ I Did Not Like Wednesdays? because i always saw her everyday except wednesdays for some reason. it just happened like that. so i didn't like that day. now, bad things tend to happen to me on wednesdays, so i've come to dread them again) and have to walk a mile home and have plenty of time to read the poem someone stenciled down two blocks.


(the whole set is on flickr, so click it, dudes!)

two songs i have been listening to lately that do not involve amy ray:
dan zanes + "loch lomond"
kimya dawson + "the competition".
for the most part, i am that one person who doesn't really care for kimya dawson. i know, right! but even i have to admit that when she writes a good song, it's really good! here is a list of kimya dawson songs i like. "i will never forget" (the first one i heard, and i thought i would really like her, but then i really didn't), "and you love me" (which i don't listen to anymore for, like, really emo reasons and junk!), "loose lips" (just like everyone else. but, i mean, scrabble, okay!), "i like giants" (one of the nicest songs ever written, i believe), "the competition" (i got good at feeling bad and that's why i'm still here). that's really about it. and also that moldy peaches songs about how she wants to eat cereal and and watch cartoons in bed with her Person She Likes but they dumped her for some skinny pretty girl who likes to talk about bands.

New Camera.
(yes, again.)

does rosie the riveter watch over me like (james)joyce-that's-a-girl's-name watches over patti smith? perhaps not quite. she does often glare at me, though, and tell me "deeds not words, chumpsicle!" how's this one for you? photo project i desperately want to do. i got the idea from my roommate and her boyfriend and i think i could be sort of amazing. if it isn't done in two weeks, then i am a giant douche. fucking deeds, fucking DEEDS okay!

if i don't love my life, i can at least love things about my life.
if i don't love myself, i can at least love things about myself.

i would like to take a trip someplace. who wants to join me?

i got off work early this afternoon and went to the hardware store and picked up some 22 gauge brass wire and i am making little wire sculptures of birds and stuff. the feet are my favorite bit. so cute! when i was at the hardware store, i saw a ton of stuff that looked like other stuff, or could look like other stuff, and instantly thought of twelve art projects. they are all very exciting and i really wish it was the beginning of summer again because i had a lot of ideas at the beginning of summer that i either didn't do or did really halfassedly and kind of want another chance. i suppose i could do a lot of stuff this fall/winter, but i hate fall/winter. like, a lot. i want to sit around in my underpants and eat watermelon ice lollies and twist wire, and take photos with homemade cameras, and write books, and draw with markers.

today, something snapped in my brain as i was going downstairs and i spent the next four hours cleaning and listening to joanna newsom. then i had a smoothie and am either going to go to the paper store or to get pizza. i have been wanting to make some books lately, as well as cards (my boss is getting married next week), and mobiles for my ceiling, and have wanted to visit this paper store near my house for a while but am never home from work early enough.

but pizza sounds really good though.

something else that sounds really good: amy fucking ray's new record. aside from the milk-eyed mender this afternoon and one paul simon song last thursday, it is all i have been listening to since it came out. seriously, it is so effing sweet. there were one or two songs i had to listen to more than once to realize how badass they were ("out on the farm" pretty much bored me to tears the first few days, but now i think it's kind of awesome forever, "rabbit foot" took even longer to grow on me but it totally did, and i was a bit biased against "stand and deliver" because the live versions i'd youtubed were less than spectacular but dudes that is probably one of my favorite songs now holy shit!) but most of them i loved from the first listen. "cold shoulder" is totally hot omg, and ps it's kind of like my life? i am seriously stoked about this record and i never want to stop listening to it and "slc radio" is totally bringing back my pirate radio dreams of yesteryear! if by "yesteryear" i kind of mean "age seventeen or whatever". gawd, amy ray, come to chi-town nowish so that rocking out may commence!

but.
i will admit.
i still really like "blood and fire" okay?!

i went out on the roof earlier and hopefully took some photos. damn, i was such a freaking chump back in the day with my oatmeal box cameras! i am so enthralled with the little clicker when i wind the film. it sounds so mechanical! but i punkrocked it out of tape and bits of a report binder! i showed my mother the camera and she thought the rolls were a 126 cartridge. but no! when i told her i spliced film into the empty roll with scotch tape, she nearly flipped! she thinks i am a total badass. my gramma says even if it doesn't work, at least it looks cool. but, i mean, hopefully it works anyway. otherwise the odd looks i got when i stood outside my front door last night, taking a picture of a tree for five minutes (8:30, not a lot of sunlight) will be for nothing.

matchbox pinhole camera
35mm film.
(that's right, i said film)
24x24mm mask yeah.

i forgot how obnoxious shooting film was. i have to wait until the entire roll's finished to see if i've just been wasting my time. ffs, what up culture of instant gratification?

my life is seriously out of control and no one knows it either because a)i am a fantastic liar b)i have no friends. c)all of the above. and don't think they have nothing to do with each other.

basically, there is some weird schism in my mind and it has always been there (journal entries from five years ago which i refuse to delete for reasons unknown but in some twisted way probably relating to some kind of tangible, though dubious, "honesty") will attest to this. i was motherfucking insane there is no way around this. i mean, really delusional. but it was a really benign, kind of beautiful, awe-inspiring insanity that was actually sort of communal and i met some wonderful, creative, brilliant people, so i don't mind it. i am having this weird double-vision lately and i can't have ANY caffeine at ALL or i start brainstorming ways to build pirate ships and sail away down the river and i'll never wear shoes and i will build bird mobiles out of wire. i want to make all kinds of mobiles with sliding parts and hang them from my ceiling. birds and stars and hearts and planets and oceans of felt and glitter and the sky looks really weird with no clouds in it. it has never bothered me before, but today it looked dumb and cloudless.

i may have said this before, but sometimes i get embarrassed about things so when i am at the library or something, i make sure to check out a lot of different books about a lot of different topics. like vegetarian cooking and homosexuality in film and small electronics repair and an academic study of girls and violence. so it looks like i have Very Varied Interests and i am not just reading something because maybe it has applications to my Actual Life. so, for instance, IF i go to the bookstore AND i buy three books

1)- eating disorders

2)- manic depression

3)- feminism and social justice

THEN what am i hiding?
anything?
(everything?)

the fact is, i can't go to the grocery store for oranges and pretzels without kind of wanting to have a mental breakdown in the cereal and/or cookies and/or pasta sauce aisle (WHAT. THE. FUCK. how are these the same aisle?) because these items are completely unrelated and there are apparently no pretzels in the entire store and nothing is in any logical place and i am just really needlessly confused and i probably just need to sit the fuck down and have a glass of water or maybe a sandwich but i'm obviously not going to do any of those things.

it's about a hundred degrees today and i can't eat anything without wanting to throw up. i used to come home from summer school when i was fifteen and be really hot and tired after walking a mile each way and want to just jump in the lake and drown or float away to antigua.

i am wearing cut-off sweatpants and flip flops from walgreen's and no shirt and i want to read michelle tea books and stay up all night smoking on my roof and break things.

a girl i really liked quit work today. and she called me and told me about all her forty-seven projects and said "look, i am just really interested in all these things right now and there is so much i want to do and everything is so amazing and i just can't do this job right now" and i said That's Too Bad but i was thinking "fuck, is that what i sound like when i talk?" and the answer is fuck yes. only with slightly more fiscal solvency. and the reason i need this job is apparently not for the money (i haven't bothered to pick up a paycheck in almost two months), it's because i can ride my bike around really fast and not speak to anyone all day and scream at the top of my lungs sometimes and no one thinks it's weird and if they do, it doesn't really matter because i don't have to try to sell them anything four seconds later and i'll probably never see them again anyway. unless they've got a puppy. and i think "You Can Just Quit?"

foods i like: tomatoes, cucumbers, nectarines.
my roommates like: peaches. pickles.

BREW FOR BREAKFAST (rudiejulie can't fail!)
yeah. i went there. oh man, piraat beer! it's not great, or maybe it is and i just effing hate beer. but this one has pirates! whatever, it was totally worth it for like four dollars.

what have i been up to lately? you ask. oh, not much. i got salmonella and took my first sick day from work in, um, ever. i was so nauseous i couldn't stand up without feeling like i was going to pass out! it was totally epic. also, i babysat a dog for the whole weekend and she was the sweetest dog ever and i want her so hard! we read angela y davis and listened to tom waits on vinyl. good times!

it has been really hot lately and i have been eating too much and drinking not enough. for a couple of weeks, i was so on top of hydration! seriously, like at least two liters everyday! i was doing awesome! and then i totally fell off the Being Healthy wagon. dammit. i was doing so well, too!

i have been watching bones s1 because i was totally in love with that show two years ago and it was completely amazing and everything and i haven't seen s1 except for a couple of episodes in about that long and all i do is complain that the current seasons aren't as good. i was watching "the skull in the desert" last night and holy christ do i love michaela conlin's wardrobe in that! usually, there isn't much to look at as they're all wearing lab clothes or government suits, but in those few episodes they get to go on, like, field trips and junk...niiiiice. and also, michaela conlin is totally hot, okay?, ps, also, remember when adam baldwin was in, like, one of the best episodes EVAR? i totally forgot about that shit! i had to back it up and i was all like NO FREAKING WAY, IS THAT JAYNE COBB? that ruled pretty hard.

i have practically nothing to say about doctor who. "forest of the dead" was pretty much a giant sack of crap, "midnight" was more awesome than anything ever and i think it's probably my new favorite and my only critique is NEEDS MOAR DONNA, and i am holding off judgement on "turn left" until the rest of the arc airs but i do have this to say: partial "blink" ripoff, wtf? i also have this to say: NEEDS MOAR DONNA!!! i know the entire episode was about donna, but honestly, they could put donna noble on for forty minutes and i would totally watch that shit. i swear, if she doesn't get a spinoff, i will weep. in fact, they should put her on the sarah jane adventures. and then make her and sarah jane fall in love. i would definitely watch catherine tate and elisabeth sladen solve crime and make out. this show needs to happen, people!

As It Happens, i am totally cute lately! witness! pretty much every summer i get really attractive for about three weeks and am all about flirting with adorable girls and making really inappropriate comments about, like, strap-ons and stuff or whatever. then i get bored with the whole process and stop speaking to people. but at the moment? totally cute! ladies! let the making out commence!

i can't decide what i think of this song, but i really like the line "her good looks could have sailed a ship, but her will alone could have sunk it". that's seriously rockin'.

doctor what? doctor who?
swear to christ, the very first thing i thought was "the universe (which others call the Library) is composed of an indefinite and perhaps infinite number of hexagonal galleries..." i'm not too proud to admit i maybe flailed around a bit. just a bit. AWESOMEST CROSSOVER OF LYFE.
( OMG SPOILERS!!! )

yesterday's derby was INSANE. i can't even believe it. wtf, nothing made sense! the double crossers lost by four fucking points and we were all heartbroken. aaahhhh! it was so close! i wanted them to win SO HARD. seriously, crushed. next season! oh man, i am seriously hoping for a cup with the fury and the manic attackers (my true derby love, as everyone knows). it'll never happen, but i can dream! seriously, both those teams have so many great players. they've had tons of injuries, though, and haven't been playing with their full teams all season. if they can just get everyone up, and maybe a few more awesome draftees from the new tryouts this summer, they might have a real chance! come on manics/fury! 2009 ivy king cup, yeah!

also, i haven't had soda in so freaking long. and then i had some yesterday. and then i was hopped up for way too long. and i ate way too much. and i biked really fast all around everywhere. the biking totally rocked.

first, doctor who, my raison d'être! from last week's preview, i was expecting to hate it something fierce. in fact, it wasn't too awful. i did wtf pretty hard in some places, but there was some badassery thrown in. ( to wit: )

then i watched some stuff that wasn't brought to us by our good friends at the bbc! namely, bones and house which could be brought to us by our good friends at the bbc if stephen fry appeared on it regularly and hugh laurie was just a bit dumber and it was a completely different show altogether. i'm just saying. neither of these could make up their minds and oscillated wildly between being totally fucking sweet and completely ridiculous and brain-melting. i suppose both were the penultimate episodes until summer, though while i can see where house left room for a finale (it was actually a two-parter, i guess?) i don't see what's left for bones that couldn't continue next season because they left it on a pretty awesome cliffhanger ( UNLESS! )

but anyway, house was mainly awesome times a bajillion with a few moments of "...what? wait, what?" that i can certainly forgive. ( UNLESS! )

there was also some real-life stuff that happened, but damned if i can remember any of it. i have been eating like a responsible grown-up this week. that's no less than three meals a day, sensible amounts, and a distinct shortage of things which are fried and/or deep-fried. i may yet avoid a heart attack! excellent! i have been trying to at least pay lip service to all the food groups (obv not meat or dairy, but all the good ones) and maintain a responsible caloric intake. my calories are generally all over the place (some days i neglect to eat at all and bike for miles and miles, others i shove food into my mouth until i feel sick), and they probably end up evening out, but not in any way that's healthy. next up, work on staying (oh, don't say it!) adequately hydrated. awesome! i'm trying to decide whether or not i require salad tomorrow, since most of the vegetables that would go in said salad will be going into the effing tacos i punk rocked together. the only things i will be missing if i omit this are nuts and seeds. hmm.

in other real-life news, happy somewhat belated birthday to catattack13x! i tried to knit you something for said birthday so i would FINALLY have mail to send you, but in the course of my various substitutions it came out too short, and i ran out of beads. i actually just this second thought of a super awesome solution, so expect a package or something in the not-too distant future. because it's mostly finished, except for this late addition, which shouldn't take too long at all.

oh yeah, and i look totally cute lately. spring dresses totally rule!

ETA: oh yeah, i remembered something that happened today. i was walking a dog and this guy was all like "hey gato! gato!" and i was like "not gato, pero!" and the lady next to him laughed. either at his lack of a grasp of spanish, or at my horrible accent. either one! but, like, i am really impressed that i know the words for my favorite animals in a bunch of different languages. i need to work more on russian. all the other languages i half-learnt and then got bored with, i can kind of understand (poorly, of course) but i am awful at russian. i know some idioms, and i can read the alphabet, but that's pretty much it. and that was the one i was most excited about. meh.

speaking of no-handed stuff (see below): here is how i am freaking awesome forever. i ride almost all the way home from work these days no-handed. i am so waycool! i've gotten so good at steering with my knees, and i can stand up too (well, i could do that last year, but nowhere near as suavely). the only time i use my hands is when i have to use the brakes. and sometimes when the street is way too torn up. i did all of this today while air drumming to old school punk rock nostalgia and wearing a manic attackers teeshirt. i'm so cool i can't even stand myself!

there is this swimsuit at the thrift store that i wanted so hard because it is kind of old-fashioned and i think i would look really hot in it or something but apparently there weren't any more on the rack and they couldn't take it off the mannequin. i was really confused about this because it seems like the whole point of a mannequin is to advertise merchandise so people will buy it, but if you are out of stock on what you are advertising, you may as well sell the model and use the space to advertise something you have got so people will buy it. am i wrong? but, i mean, i didn't say anything to the girl at the counter because if it's store policy she can't really do anything about it and i didn't want to be a dick or whatever. and i know what you're thinking, thrift store swimsuit, ew that's like underpants! but, as it turned out, it was probably a bunch of new-but-irregular-somehow swimsuits that they were selling for cheap. and also, when i thought it was used, i was just going to douse the whole thing in color-safe bleach, because bleach is the answer to everything. and then, when i thought about that, i started singing "my congressman" by fifteen (suck bleach up to the top of the needle; then squirt it out! suck bleach up to the top of the needle; then squirt it out! suck bleach up to the top of the needle; then squirt it out! that's step one. suck water up to the top of the needle; then squirt it out! suck water up to the top of the needle; then squirt it out! suck water up to the top of the needle; then squirt it out! that's step two. suck bleach up to the top of the needle; then squirt it out! suck bleach up to the top of the needle; then squirt it out! suck bleach up to the top of the needle; then squirt it out! that's step three, you're done!) and then i thought oh wow, those were some crazy punk rock times back in the day with all my crusty buds and stuff! and then i thought about stupidsmart's post about crazy lonely awesome highschool bands, so without further ado, i present:
twelve songs i listened to a lot in highschool (in no particular order):
team dresch + "remember who you are" there may have been other team dresch songs i listened to as much or possibly more ("107", "musical fanzine", "she's amazing" "SCREWING YER COURAGE" the first team dresch song i ever heard and still totally amazing because of "we'll stock up on canned goods and move to the woods, find a piece of land, quit this fucking band; i love you! baby, i love you!" etc.), but it was down to this or "don't try suicide", the song that made me, you know, not try suicide, and in the end i have to give it up to this one because it makes me feel great about myself and it's totally sexy forever shut up it is! ("then i found myself dancing alone in my room, i was writing in my journal and playing records when i felt my shoulders slide from side to side; i found the bass in my hips. BEING ALONE BRINGS COURAGE AND STRENGTH OF MIND!") god, team dresch! i totally had a picture of jody bleyle on my wall. yeah. from when she still owned candy-ass records or whatever. what the hell ever happened to that? ahdunno.
janis joplin + "piece of my heart" i don't care! this song is amazing! i heard it on the radio when i was fifteen and janis joplin was my hero from that moment on! yes, i do know she had other songs, shut up!
joni mitchell + "amelia" i was really obsessed with 1)joni mitchell 2)amelia earhart and this song cunningly combined those two things, plus a few other thigs i had a giant boner for. a lot of people will tell you blue is joni's best record, but, you know, i always have to be different or whatever. for me, it was all about hejira (i have since revised this opinion, and may have come around to court and spark, but that is another discussion). This Girl i was in love with in highschool (this is a different girl than The Girl™, for the record) and i used to listen to joni mitchell until our ears exploded. she was totally into "hejira" the song, though, which i just did not have the patience for. anyway!
three finger cowboy + "as kids" i was really into power pop, or pop punk, or whatever category this falls into. for a while, most of the bands i listened to, with a few notable exceptions, were on one of about four record labels: kill rock stars, daemon, chainsaw, or mr lady. 3fc were on daemon and they were awesome. they later became a band called nineteen forty-five who used to make little records occasionally under the name one night record project that would be available for free on their website. more recently, whatshername, katherine? the singer did a solo project called snow machine. very adorable and also sad. but back in the day they were sweet as hell and wrote songs with lines like "yeah everywhere you go, the kids wanna rock and roll!" and "your best friend's tellin' me that you never kissed a boy before! well honey, honestly, you know that makes me want you even more!" and so on and so forth.
tribe 8 + "what the papers didn't say" okay, so here is a story about me and my roommate who has also been my best friend since we were like sixteen or something: we used to go to the record store together after school all the time. one day, i bought the tribe 8 cd "role models for amerika". i don't even know why. i don't know if i already knew who they were, or if it was just an impulse buy. anyway, i listened to this cd all the time (for the bmad fans on the flist, madigan plays cello on the song "prison blues") until one day whe, she was reading the book angry women in rock and, out of nowhere said "oh hey, do you know who tribe 8 is?" and i yanked the cd out of my backpack and was like "do i???" it was awesome. other great moments in history involving tribe 8: there is this song called "flippersnapper" that they wrote about one of the band members, flipper (naturally), who is too adorable and gets all the girls and junk, and there is this one line that goes "flippersnapper, flipper fashion, flannel boxers/red bandanna, dressed like her and look what i got: anna, anna, anna, anna!" and it is so adorable and also anna joy is so freaking hot, and that is a really good endorsement, and for a while i seriously wore that combination of clothes, partially to see if any cute girls would get the reference and then want to date me. but also partially just because i thought it was funny. one time i met lynn breedlove. it was totally hot. i was all "here is a list of the pop culture references in your book, they are all about your band incidentally, except for the ones that are about blatz. blowjobs nao, plz!" actually that didn't happen, because i was too nervous to do that, but i really wanted to because damn, what a gauntlet to throw down! also, i didn't think my list was complete enough, because i was sure i missed a bunch of black flag lyrics that were Really Integral to the Plot and stuff. but actually, i bet no one sent in a list, so by virtue of trying at all, i probably could have gotten sexual favors or whatever. what actually happened is i was like "YOUR BOOK IS FUCKING RAD, HERE IS A METAL SPIKE FOR YOUR METAL SPIKE-COVERED VEST" and l.b. was all "DUDE, THANKS, I LIKE YOUR PANTS, I'M GLAD ALL Y'ALL WERE SINGING HOMEMADE SPEEEEEEEEED WHEN I GOT TO THAT PART" and then a long-ish conversation followed, none of which do i remember. oh well!
sleater-kinney + "get up" THIS SONG MAKES ME THINK OF SPRING. that is all (oh god, it was either this or "ballad of a ladyman". i love you, s-k!!!)
retsin + "ohayo mtn road" holy christ, retsin! so sweet <3 i think maybe they were from chicago or something. i know tara jane o'neil is from chicago, and that's because we're great. obviously. anyway, retsin was tjo and cynthia nelson and they also remind me of spring!
doria roberts + "perfect." i don't even know. i just really liked this song. i think maybe i missed a chance to see doria roberts at ladyfest midwest or something, because she was playing at a bar and i was underage and this made me angry!
amy ray + "hey castrator" okay, here is the thing. i have been SO DOWN WITH THE INDIGO GIRLS since i was, like, ten. i talk about this often. it may be weird that i'm not including them in this list, but, i mean, i really can't narrow it down. and anyway, they don't really stand out to me as "a highschool band" since i have been listening to them for most of my life and there is not this sharp feeling of them defining me at any particular moment in my life. however, amy ray started making punk records when i was about seventeen, and this song was off her first record which was about a lot of freaky genderfucky shit, which was exactly what i was sorting out in my head at the time. i would play this song on repeat for days at a time. it is sort of along the same lines as propagandhi's "refusing to be a man", only it takes it a step further. i kind of freaked out about some stuff at one point and i used to listen to this song a lot and be like "yes, exactly! how the fuck do i sort out who i am and who i want and who i want to be and who i emphatically don't want to be and all the things that have happened to me to make me the way i am, etc?!"
bonfire madigan + "dishes and spoons" this is not my favorite bmad song. it is good, but it isn't my favorite. it is also not the first one i heard. but if this is "songs i listened to in highschool", it is this one or "scraps". i think this is another one that goes back to said roommate/bff because OBVIOUSLY i had a cute little teenage crush on her and i was one of those people that was all like "THIS SONG IS TOTALLY ABOUT MY LIFE!!!111" and i did sit in her kitchen watching her dry dishes and i did think i was going to pack up and leave town at the end of summer (For Real This Time) and i did want to write her silly explosive love songs because ffs someone ought to because she is great and always was and always will be. the subtle difference between this song and our life is that neither of us was a junkie. so that's alright! a short list of Other Songs About My Life With Em includes, but is not limited to, "oh chenilla" by cadallaca, "me & her" by heavens to betsy, and "in the weeds" by michelle malone.
bob dylan + "desolation row" einstein (disguised as robin hood), with his memories in a trunk, passed this way an hour ago with his friend, a jealous monk. he looked so immaculately frightful as he bummed a cigarette, then went off sniffing drainpipes and reciting the alphabet. you would not think to look at him, but he was famous long ago for playing the electric violin on desolation row.
otis redding + "dock of the bay" another song i was obsessed with. i could play this one on guitar, but i couldn't do the whistling part because i cannot really whistle. the one song i can whistle that people would actually recognize is "the colonel bogey march". i am trying to teach myself "in the hall of the mountain king" because that is hilarious and creepy. it is also probably way too hard. but the point is, i was really into this song back in the day, and it is great. i was really into otis redding for some reason, and i don't really know why, because he's clearly the odd man out in my punk/folk extravaganza. whatever. i listened to this song FOREVER.

i think that's twelve, oh noes! you can go here to listen to these songs! http://highschool.muxtape.com
tune in next time for "twelve more songs i used to listen to in highschool!!!" featuring the moves! the need! nirvana! pink floyd! jimi hendrix! the grateful dead! tami hart! rose polenzani! the haggard! cadallaca! three dollar bill! tom waits! even more team dresch! basically, folk and punk (with some psychedelic insanity thrown in for those days when i sat around smoking pot instead of going to class or whatever) which were not cunningly combined into riot folk until many years later.

so my gramma likes her cd. i decided to leave off the springsteen, just this once.
i spent most of the evening thinking of "killer queen" and saying "he wasn't thinking any particularly demonic thoughts. at the moment, he was wondering vaguely who moey and chandon were" and giggling insanely. oh, good omens, you will never not be funny to me!

( doctor who! fun for the whole family! )

may day.
m'aidez.
help me.

oh dear, margaret atwood. words after words after words!
things go crazy and i think "mayday, mayday!" and today is also may day, as in the first of may as in so many crazy things have happened on the may firsts of my life but Nothing Important Happened Today, i just went to work and did my job and It Didn't Rain. that's all.

it's been getting a little weird. you know. in my life. i have been fucking up and i have been fixing it, and i have been biking until i am too tired to think and drinking more than ever even though it is a pointless exercise because there is obviously something wrong with me and no matter how much i drink i am never drunk, i just sit there wondering what the hell everyone is so jazzed about and why i am not any kind of drunk except maybe the sober kind. the only point is, you know, the idea. like you get an idea and you have to complete it. like i had the idea of Glam Rock and i wore tall shoes and flared pants and smudgy eyeliner until i got the idea of Ironic Scenester Douche and that basically involved a lot of rugby shirts and a bowler hat. now i have the idea of Going Out Of My Fucking Mind And Isn't This When People Usually Start Drinking? so here we are.

another idea is a mixtape for my gramma because her birthday is next week. i am wondering if it is appropriate to put bruce springsteen on it. i started out with songs i sincerely thought she might like, but i fear i've veered off in a slightly ridiculous direction. so far i have:
fats domino + "blueberry hill"
engelbert humperdinck + "ten guitars"
emilie autumn + "shallott"
the ditty bops + "sister kate"
andrew bird's bowl of fire + "skin is, my"
anna roland + "the rebel girl" (i'm considering scrounging up the hazel dickens version, which i know is laying around somewhere, but this one is pretty good too)
eleni mandell + "i believe in spring"
françoise hardy + "je veux qu'il revienne" (SHE IS OUR FAVORITE.)
holly cole + "little boy blue"
johnny cash + "folsom prison blues"
joni mitchell + "you turn me on, i'm a radio"
paul simon + "you can call me al"
queen + "killer queen" (here is where i begin to really question my sanity re: this playlist)
tracy chapman + "talkin' about a revolution"
indigo girls + "devotion"
so...springsteen? i was thinking "e street shuffle", or have i just entirely lost it? i also considered and discarded sarah dougher's cover of "take it to the limit". i just don't think my gramma's into that kind of thing. "love will" by suburban kids with biblical names had to be cut because there is some cursing. not much, but any.

sailor, junkman, wandering scavenger, tree-climber, walking wherever he goes. death to all men who dare to put lead in his shoes; try to keep him still!

f.y.i., there is an x-files reference in here somewhere. if you spot it, i probably don't hate you. as for the rest of you, GET OUT OF MY CHILDHOOD. so there's a new movie coming out. i don't get why this is a big deal. i mean, obviously i do, but i don't get why it is such a big deal to anyone who never saw an episode before last month. it wasn't that great of a show (i'm lying. it was the best show EVAR). the monsters were clearly made of rubber, the hairstyles were embarrassing to say the least, and the last two seasons were fit only for people who had been watching since '93 and just couldn't let it go until it was well and truly over. more "truly" than "well". yes the x-files was my life. yes i actually instructed my boyfriend to never call me on fridays between eight and nine. yes i can admit there were copious flaws in both the idea and execution. after they moved out of vancouver, it was a bit touch and go, don't you think?

and what the heck is this new indiana jones movie even about anyway? is it nazis?

i am a grumpy old man. i will put on my grumpy old man hat now.

mmmmmmm, first smoothie of the year, and it is GLORIOUS. holy shit, our blender is A-FREAKING-MAZING.

and now: time for grilled cheese and tomato soup. or possibly spaghetti-os (i couldn't find hoops, so i bought gears instead. close enough, right?) and doctor who!

i don't even think i want to talk about "planet of the ood". man, the ood were effing terrifying in "impossible planet/satan pit". this was just dumb. and catherine tate, come the fuck on. i know you're a better actor than this. "fires of pompeii" proved it! really! the only recap that made me think this episode wasn't utter tripe was something about hannah arendt's theory about the banality of evil (the central point of making history by stephen fry, probably the best book he's written, not counting his autobiography, and not just because i am obsessed with nazis). in that context, it was actually a mildly interesting episode and i think i might want to watch it again. otherwise, it was full of sup-par melodrama, heavy handed "slavery is bad"-isms (and for the love of christ, if i hear one more person talk about how it is a metaphor for "the african slave trade" i swear i am going to start cracking skulls. because there have NEVER been ANY other slaves EVER, ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD except AFRICANS in the american south in the NINETEENTH CENTURY. EVAR), and apologist non-white slave-traders and c.e.o.s so we can really handily dismiss claims of racism while just ignoring the classist more-than-implications because why would we ever think about classism? this is about slavery and slavery is clearly about racism! yeah!

but, i mean, i said i didn't want to talk about it.

i still haven't decided what i think of the new breeders record, but i really like the song "we're gonna rise". it kind of reminds me of "off you" which was probably my faaaaaavorite breeders song EVAR for a while and i listened to it on repeat until my ears bled! (they didn't really do that.)

where am i updating from? my roof? where it is currently in the mid-70s? hells yeah spring! bring it on! i ate ice cream and biked around in a twenty mph headwind like a crazy person. my gear ratio is ginormous and my thighs actually hurt! and i hate the irs!

i am knitting adorable little condom cases out of really pretty yarn, with adorable little flower buttons. everything about this project is a-plus! i love to knit! i love safe sex paraphernalia! quality is job #1!!!

so DOCTOR WHO is back. maybe it's because i'm not inundated with catherine tate sketches whether i want to be or not, but i don't find her obnoxious at all. i actually really love donna! i think she's awesome. last week's episode? i'll be honest. not great. okay, but i would have expected better from a series premiere. also, i think the nanny was in the sarah jane adventures or something. that whole episode was kind of like sja, to be honest. only without elisabeth sladen which is automatic fail. this week's? ( FULL OF WIN AND AWESOME. )

and that's what i think of doctor who so far.
i don't even want to talk about torchwood. i'm still angry. all i will say is they made ianto and gwen super awesome, and that was a good move. beyond that, let's just pretend it never happened. really. especially the part where they retconned (haha) "aliens of london". I CAN'T HEAR YOU! TOSH IS A REAL DOCTOR! ETCETERA!

ETA: PHYSICS.MUXTAPE.COM OH MY GAWD HOLY SHIT!!

it's that time again, kids, for "Bicycle Stories Until We Puke!!!" featuring: a bottom bracket asked to give its all and more for king and country (or for biking twenty miles per diem in chi-town winter), a cassette past its prime but not beyond hope, the dream of a single-speed high-gear knee-killer of a speed machine, and the derailleur that just wouldn't quit. gather round!

i've probably talked about this before. i know i waxed poetical about my road bike when i got it a few summers ago. how it was all fast and junk and i could ride those hundred and some blocks to em's house in under an hour easy when it initially took not quite but closer to two. this bike is so awesome and i learnt all my crazy half-assed punk rock repair stuff on it (before, anything beyond fixing a flat was Beyond Me). and then, around last august or september, the gear shifter thingawhoosit (that's obviously the technical term) got ridiculously mangled somehow (i seriously have no idea what happened. this is a mystery. possibly involving ghosts) and kept catching the chain and making the whole thing really unpleasant to ride. with gratuitous noises. so i figured "oh hay i never switch gears BECAUSE I RIDE IN THE FLATTY FLAT FLAT MIDWEST so why not just rip the damn thing off?" and then i did. at this point, the chain was still threaded through the rear derailleur because i was too lazy to take it off. this was a giant mistake! a few months later, that seized up and the chain tension was all out of whack and basically everything just sucked. so i said fuck it and rode my mountain bike for a while. it wasn't quite as fast but whatever. so a little while ago, i got fed up with the whole thing and just busted out the chain tool, shortened the chain, and diy-ed myself up a single speed bike. i kept all the sprockets on because, you know, the laziness. also, i should mention that the derailleur was still hanging on the back because 1)i needed to soak it off because it was, like, encrusted with road salt 2)i couldn't find a screwdriver to get it off anyway. that actually doesn't matter, although everyone teased me for having it hanging off there and said it was just dead weight. i mean, that's true, but it wasn't that much weight and somehow i just couldn't bring myself to care.

( the rest may be tl;dr, or really funny if you like That Kind Of Thing )

in other news, i have been watching this video over and over and wondering how this is the same dude who gave the world "pasties and a g-string":

but inside your head there's a record that's playin' a song called "hold on, hold on"...
and it is fucking perfect and i can't stand it.

last night, after my celebratory bike repair (and some celebratory riding around the block) as well as after realizing that the coffee i'd had which i thought was decaf rather...wasn't, a bunch of people came to my house and we had disgustingly fried "spring rolls" and hilariously loud punk rock singalongs. a-plus.

my foot hurts.

my roommate is talking to his friend about one of our "newspaper"s, the red eye, which is as near to a trashy tabloid as any publication can get without everyone knowing it, and how it's really reviled amongst "intellectuals" and whatever but it's fine for him because, you know, sorry he doesn't feel like reading a book everyday (wtf, i do feel like reading a book everyday and i seriously doubt you could call me an intellectual because i pretty much actually do say things like "wtf" in actual conversation). and he goes on to say that what he'd actually like is news distilled down to the bare minimum. and i realize, with mounting horror, that he is actually describing fahrenheit 451. first? seashell radios. and, in the immortal words of my favorite drunken anarcho-crust britrockers, it just gets worse from there. (anyone? anyone?) to be fair, what he meant was he just wanted the facts without all the prevarication journalists toss in because they're getting paid by the word (do journalists still get paid by the word?) but the sentiment is pure bradbury dystopia. someone, call the firemen!

people wonder why i am so obsessed with old-time science fiction.
i say: "what does any voyager want with a road map?"
this is the future and we are living in it. has it been accurately predicted by ray bradbury and orson scott card? we'll see!


in semi-but-not-really-related news (because william s burroughs is always included when i talk about "old-time science fiction"), i have been considering getting a tattoo that reads GAP. GAP. GAP. i don't know how well this would pan out and i'm not sure how i feel about the sentiment behind it really, but yesterday it seemed like a really great idea.
i think a lot of the tattoos i am thinking of getting relate to veganism in a totally oblique way. that way, i won't have to deal with people who think they are so much cleverer than i am harping on But What If You Change Your Mind Later On Won't You Feel Like A Total Ass?

today, my jacket is made of plastic, i nearly die several times, and i eat lentil soup and fall asleep reading william s burroughs. he is too much of a moral sinkhole to be my hero but damn if the man didn't have style. iconic, not heroic. admiration doesn't have to mean you're nice, or sane, or never shot anyone. (oh yes, oh yes, my name is willy lee!) i read his book of dreams and think about him in his hat and coat from the 40s, firing pistols at bottles in gregory corso's backyard. mexico city, south africa, lawrence, kansas, these places are fictitious: i have certainly never observed them, so they can't really exist then, can they?

here are the places i have observed: chicago, kalamazoo, los angeles international airport, a runway and airport bar in dallas, a diner in pasadena, jerusalem, tel aviv, as much of lebanon as you can see from that one hill (i googled "ammunition hill" but it turns out that's near jordan which is, currently, just a made-up place. so this must have just been Some Hill near the border), disney world. falmouth, trelawny parish (county cornwall, jamaica, wi -- West Indies, not wisconsin) is, at best, a theoretical construct. there is no proof and by proof of course i mean mathematics. certainly there is a photograph of me standing (standing! i know this must be a falsification) and holding up a leaf as big as i am. but this could have been taken anywhere. we have leaves in chicago, too.

whenever i say things like this, i always pretend i am at least half joking so no one can accuse me of being hopelessly solipsistic. that's all i need, in addition to all my other problems.

it's actually spring and it's actually warm and i wore the swingiest skirt i own (it's also the orangest skirt i own, doubleplusgood!) and dangly blue earrings. i had fun biking around and now i am sitting in my room drinking mineral water and obsessively reloading literarytattoos and punk_knitters. the latter is really embarrassing, because there is nothing punk rock about that community, at least anymore. it's just a general knitting community with some of the attendant snobbery that entails. the reason i liked it in the first place, when i didn't know anything about knitting, was because neither did a lot of the people who posted. their entries would read something like "i had no clue what i was doing, i just started knitting and here is what came out. isn't it neat?" and also sometimes people would knit henry rollins dolls and i would imagine playing with them and making them say "i don't have sex. ever. it takes away from my energy to HATE EVERYTHING" which is my impression of henry rollins. but, like, don't tell him that, because he will hit me in the teeth and kill me. with his pinky.

i have all this yarn with glitter in it, and i have no clue what i am going to do with it all, but one certain thing is that it will of course be fabulous.

i have been looking words up in the dictionary and this weekend is going to be pretty boss because it's the second roller derby this month (huzzah!) and i am also going to see my grandmother. i also saw her last weekend. she is pretty fun to hang out with, even if we're pretty much in opposition politically. and i wrote all these silly riot folk songs on my bicycle last week, and i really want to write the music for them and record them on my computer and be nineteen forever! remember the devil is electric? oh god! nowadays, all the kids are into ghost mice. who are pretty much the devil is electric except hannah plays the violin and grant isn't in the band. i'm giving them the benefit of the doubt that they've also heard tdie but man, you can never tell with kids. seriously, in 2002 my life was ALL ABOUT running around screaming "IT'S NOT STEALING ANYWAY, IT'S TAKING BACK THE THINGS THEY STOLE FROM YOU!!!!!!" dudes, awesome. those were some rad times. see also under "rad times": that time all my friends were in a band and they wanted to cover "bad reputation" but none of them knew the words, so i had to sing with them. that was when they played a show with 19o5. i don't go to shows anymore. this is mildly depressing. the last show i went to was the weakerthans. they were also the first show in god only knows how long.

some of my favorite books are:
the god of small things
making history
the wind-up bird chronicle (i am not too proud to admit that sometimes i had NO FUCKING CLUE what was going on or why, though. that's why i want to read it ten billion times. like naked lunch which i finally puzzled out in 11th grade)
the grapes of wrath
the thirteen clocks
why mosquitoes buzz in people's ears
godspeed
the bell jar
fun home
loving in the war years
and i want tattoos from all of them.

and even though i know it might not make a difference i'm still gonna try and i'm still gonna fight and it might be a waste of time but it seems like a good way to spend my life and even though i know it might not make a difference i'm still gonna try and i'm still gonna fight because i know i'm not alone and i know i don't have to do it on my own and even though we know it might not make a difference we're still gonna fight til the day that we die and we'll teach our kids right so that when we're gone they'll carry on the fight even though they know it might not make a difference they're still gonna fight and they're still gonna try and they'll keep our dream alive and make sure it never dies even though they know it might not make a difference, and even though we know it might not make a difference and even though i know it might not make a difference and even though i know it won't make any difference i'm still gonna try and i'm still gonna fight until the day i die and maybe we'll learn something this time and i'll try and i'll dream and i'll hope because what else can we do hope is all this world has got for me and you and even though i know it might not make a difference i'm still gonna try!

snow, snowing, snowed. boooooo. f u winter. who needs you? i just want to drink cream soda and chillax while making this shit. that's right, i'm knitting socks, mfers! so far, i am knitting a sock, but eventually it will be socks. i got past the tough bits, and now it's all smooth sailing, a.k.a. knitting lace, no big thang, until it gets about time to graft the toe or whatever. i have never grafted a toe before. of course, until two days ago i'd never turned a heel either and that was cake or pie or some easily delicious pastry like that. i don't like gussets, but this one could have been much worse. so it looks like i will soon have some awesomely handmade socks. just in time for socks weather to be over! i am a master of forward planning!

i also somehow fell into the trap of starting to watch the sarah connor chronicles. why do i do these things! now i can't stop!

today on the bus, these two girls were talking about haruki murakami and i was torn between thinking "you read good books, let's have an awesome discussion about literature!" and "why don't you just shut the fuck up and stop ruining it for the rest of us because we're embarrassed to say we like the dude's books because obviously everyone is going to think we're pretentious hipster douchebags who "read" south of the border, west of the sun and decided we were better than everyone else". i mean, i guess kids felt the same way about tolstoy in 1879 or whatever, but sometimes i wish people would just quit deciding stuff was cool regardless of whether or not they're Really That Into It so i'd know what the fuck anyone meant when they said anything.

while trudging through the snow, i discovered another knitting store. unfortunately it was closed so i couldn't see if they had any sock yarn that didn't require me to be a moral sinkhole. i'd like to, you know, try knitting a sock the way i am supposed to for once instead of kind of bullshitting my way through. this weekend, maybe. oh god, knitting!

finally, catattack13x, you are totally wicked awesome and i hope it makes your day slightly better to have everyone on my flist know it as well :)

can't sleep, so i'm making toast and oatmeal and watching black books. that bookshop seems like the best place in the world and i worry about how well i identify with fictional misanthropes. like all i want to do is own a bookshop so i could sit around reading all day and not have to talk to anyone or be responsible for anyone having or not having a job like my job is apparently all about now and i can't stand it and i wouldn't have to get up in the morning if i hadn't bothered to sleep the night before. ps, also bernard black is disgustingly attractive to me. this is not normal. i need sleep and the reason i am eating toast and oatmeal in the wee fucking hours of the night is because all i had to eat today was some peanutbutter pretzels. but tomorrow is friday. and then it's the weekend.

things to do:
write a lot of songs,
sew a lot of bags and wallets,
knit some socks and a sweater or two,
write a ton of letters.
learn five languages.
find a cure for aids. i thought i did this when i was ten. apparently it won't work, but i'm still not sure why the heck not.

dear god, please let spring come soon. i am crawling out of my skin here. i need more day, less night, and to be able to wander around outside and sit on the roof without getting frostbite. midnight bike rides, sidewalk chalk, spray glitter. and crocuses.